iRashomon
by coiwy1
Summary: The Bushwell Plaza lobby has been burnt down and Officer Carl is trying to find out what happened. Unfortunately for him, none of the witnesses seem to be able to give an accurate account of events.
1. Mrs Benson

It all started a few days ago when my son - that's Freddie, he's my son, look, I've got some pictures. That was him when he was three, um, that was him.. ok, I'll just put them there if you want to take a look later. Anyway, Freddie was across the hall with his friends. Well, I say 'friends', the way they treat him... the problem is that Puckett girl. I mean, she bullies my poor little Freddikins all the time and he, being such a perfect gentleman, can't do anything. I've always taught him that it's not nice to hit girls, but you know, sometimes I wish he'd forget that just once and teach that horrid girl a lesson.

Ok. So my Freddie had been playing with his friends, and I, being the caring mother I am, thought I'd go and check on him. After all, they're still only children, and Spencer's hardly the most responsible adult, so I like to make sure they're playing nicely every so often. Well, I have to say that when I opened that door, they weren't playing nicely at all. That girl was hitting my little boy so hard that his laptop had been knocked to the floor and smashed - those things aren't cheap, you know, but that girl has no respect for other people's things. So I asked her to stop attacking Freddie, and she complied. I took my little Freddie home to get him away from her. You would think that Carly would have done something to help, but she doesn't seem to care too much about him either. Sometimes I just really... Excuse me, I didn't mean to lose my temper there.

Well, I thought that would be the end of the issue for the time being. Freddie's a lovely child, naturally - he takes after me, you know - but I couldn't imagine that he would want to be friends with someone like Sam Puckett after she broke his laptop. She hadn't even thought to apologise! That girl has no manners, I can't think how her poor mother copes. I certainly wouldn't have let her get so wild if she'd been my child... Well, I spent the next few days looking after Freddie, and of course he was grateful for everything I did for him. We share a special bond, you see, more so than most mothers and sons do. I can always tell when he needs me, which is most of the time, and I'm always there for him when he does.

So this afternoon I was bringing him his lunch when I found that he'd gone out. There was a note on his bed, from that girl. Let me think, what was it? 'Meet me in the lobby, I have something.' I think that's what it was. Naturally, I realised that she couldn't be trusted - I've seen the things she does to him - so I hurried down to save my little boy from her. Well, by the time I got there things had got out of hand. The whole room was on fire! That girl was attacking my Freddie again, but I couldn't get to him in time before she dragged him out of the building. Spencer was there as well, and I have to say I was impressed that he was trying to protect the children from the fire. Of course, he could have stopped them fighting, but he's never been particularly competent when it comes to childcare. Lewbert, the doorman, didn't seem to be around either - typical of him, really, I don't know how he keeps that job.

From what my Freddie told me, apparently Sam had played another mean trick on him. It wasn't enough for her to break his laptop, no, she set it on fire and tried to kill him too! We're just lucky that he managed to get out of there without being seriously injured. I should hope that you'll be able to do something about her, Officer. I'm certainly happy to testify against her.


	2. Lewbert

I blame it all on those kids. You know, there's that blonde girl, and, uh, what's his name. Benson! Freddie Benson! And that other guy, uh, Spencer. I never really had much of a problem with him, but I think those kids have had an effect on him. They're like little warts, messing up the good looking model and ruining his life! ... Yeah, I used to be a male model. ... Well what's that supposed to mean? It's just because of this damn wart that I don't look as attractive as I used to. You know, the doctor said it was caused by stress. Recommended I get a nice relaxing job. So I thought, well, why not try working in a school? Yeah. _Never_ work with school kids. I _hated_ them. So I ended up moving here, and now I'm the doorman at Bushwell Plaza. No thanks there, either, I don't know why I put up with it. I'm pretty sure there's people playing tricks on me there. You know, stealing things, moving them around. I once found a cupboard stuffed with... _hey_! What are you laughing about? Don't mock me! ... Yeah, fine, I'll get back to the story.

Those two kids, they're always arguing. The last time was just a few days ago. I was sitting at my desk, being the good, helpful man I was, when they come running into the lobby - which, I might add, I'd just been cleaning so it'd be nice for the residents. Benson comes in first, and he doesn't look where he's going and he runs straight into a pot plant I'd put out that morning. It was, uh, it was a gift from one of the residents. Real expensive, she told me. So the boy knocks the pot over and it _smashes_, spreading dirt all across my floor, and he falls in it as well because he's not paying attention. Then that girl runs in after him ... I dunno, she's sitting outside that door, you find out her name! So she runs in, and she grabs him and they start fighting. Little animals, they end up spreading the dirt from the plant across the floor. She's screaming something about 'payback'; I don't know what the deal is. Anyway, I go over there and I say "Hey! Don't fight!" because I care about kids, you know, even little brats like them. They don't listen to me, and they chase each other up the stairs - still trailing dirt - and leave _me _to deal with the mess. Not so much as a "sorry" from either of them!

And if that wasn't enough, today that girl was back and she was hanging around the lobby all suspicious. She had a bag with her. Now I don't like to judge, but I've seen her around enough to know she was up to no good. Being the good doorman that I am, I ask her if she needs help, but she just shouts at me. Then Spencer - you know, the guy I told you about - he comes in and tries to grab that bag from her. I don't like to interfere, of course, but I don't want them breaking things like before, so I ask them to calm down. Well, before I know it that girl's lit the bag on fire! Benson's come down to the lobby and he starts arguing with that girl, while Spencer's just waving the bag around and suddenly the whole damn room is on fire. Now, my first thought is to protect those kids, even after they've smashed up my lobby and set it on fire, I still don't wanna see them hurt. It's just in my nature, you see. So I go over there and they're panicking - Spencer's run out of the door, he didn't care - and I escorted them outta the building. I didn't do it for thanks; it's just what I do. Of course, if there _was_ some kinda reward scheme for something like this, then I'd be happy to... oh, fine. But I'm still a hero! I saved those kids even after _they _started the fire!


	3. Spencer

Well, uh, I was working on this sculpture a few days ago, for... for this... sorry, can you not look at me like that? It's making me ner... v... Oh. I know you, don't I. ... No, look, I told you, it was an accident! It wasn't _supposed_ to say 'Pee on Carl', it was a mistake! And besides, it's not like anyone _would_ just because a sign said it. Uh, would they? ... Ok, ok, just let me tell you what happened, yeah? I was working on my sculpture when Sam and Freddie came in. ... No, the door was unlocked. ... Yes, I am happy with that level of security. Lewb can deal with anyone who doesn't live in the building, and everyone who _does _live there likes me! Well, except Chuck Chambers. And that Griffin guy... Ok, that's not the point.

Sam and Freddie came in and they were fighting about something, I didn't really catch what it was. All I can tell you is that Freddie was covered in, like, some kinda dirt. Anyway, Sam was chasing him and she sorta grabbed him like... woah, hey, sorry! I was just showing you what she... Aww, no, don't fine me for it! I'm a witness! ... Ok, fine, but I don't have any money on me now. ... Look, can I finish? She grabbed him and they kinda, like, fell onto the floor in front of the couch. I couldn't really see what happened then, because I was behind it, but Freddie's laptop was balanced on the back ... I'm not really sure why, I think he'd been doing something with Carly earlier in the day. But I thought to myself, "That laptop is in danger of falling!", so I ran over to try and grab it, but, uh... I was too late to get it. And then Mrs. Benson came in looking angry, so I kinda... hid. I think I got away with that one.

Anyway, she took Freddie back across the hall. I don't think Sam realised I was there, because she'd been distracted with Freddie, but she started cleaning up the smashed bits of laptop off the floor and I think - don't tell her I said this, she wouldn't want me to know - it sounded like she was... well, not exactly crying. But she was sniffing a lot, and... I dunno. By that point I thought it was probably best that she didn't see me, so I crawled back to my room. Like a soldier, you know, look... ok, I _won't _show you. I just wanted to be thorough.

Anyway, that was the last I saw of either of them until today, which I thought was weird because they spend so much time in my apartment usually. Then I got back to Bushwell this morning - me and Carly had been out buying food - when I saw this bottle of Peppy Cola that was just perfectly balanced on a wall to catch the light. So naturally I had to go get my camera, and I left Carly to keep an eye on it - you know, just in case. Then I bumped into Sam in the lobby, she was having an argument with Lewbert, and she had this bag with her from the Pear Store. Now, all I wanted was to see what she had, because it's not often you see Sam with technology, but... um... Do you know the guys in the fire department? ... Yeah, I'm _that_ Spencer. I don't know _how_ it happened, but whatever it was caught on fire. I was _trying _to put it out, but somehow it kinda... spread.

Then just like that the lobby's burning. Lewbert vanished before I could even see him move, and at some point Freddie'd come down as well. So I'm there with Sam and Freddie, and the lobby's on fire and there's this smoke just getting everywhere. Freddie was coughing real bad and he sort of passed out, and Sam had to pretty much carry him outta there while I tried to find a fire extinguisher. Actually, I think you should check that lobby because I don't think there was actually one in there at all. And I ended up ruining my favourite shirt too, look! But yeah, the point is, it was an_ accident_. Completely an accident. Ask anybody.

Ok, not Chuck, he's a jerk, but anyone else.


	4. Carly

I'm pretty sure the whole fire in the lobby thing was just an accident. I mean, I didn't see how it started, but I know my friends well enough to know that they wouldn't do it deliberately. Even Lewbert isn't that crazy. I mean sure, he's not the most... _normal _doorman we could have, and yes, he can be really mean sometimes, but he wouldn't have started a fire. Especially seeing as he was the first person out of the building. I was waiting for Spencer outside when he came out, running like a pack of wolves was chasing him. Then he saw me and he tried to act like he wasn't scared, but he couldn't really pull it off. He kinda... tried to help Sam and Freddie. Um. Well, he looked like he was trying, but just not very much. I dunno what was up with Freddie, but Sam pretty much carried him out onto the street. And then she laid him down really gentle, it was so sweet of her. Not that she'd admit it, of course, but I've seen the way she looks at him. It's just so... ok, sorry. You don't wanna hear about that. Ok.

The thing is, Spencer has something of a, uh, history with fire. It's not like he starts fires for fun, or whatever, but they do just tend to kinda start when he's around. Mostly with wiring and stuff, when he's tried to fix up electricity, but there's been some really weird ones. Like the drum kit he found in the junk yard. And the fire extinguisher which became a flamethrower. And, uh... My point is, even if he _did_ somehow cause the fire in the lobby, you can't blame him, because it's really not his fault. It's like a curse! And it's weird, because there used to be this old woman living across the hall from us, and she _hated _Spencer because he was always messing around in the hallway outside her door, and then... ok, fine. I'll stick to 'the events of the past week'. I was just trying to give you a bit of background information.

...

Monday? It was just a normal day. I mean yeah, Sam was pretty angry with Freddie and she may have said some harsh things to him, but that's just what they do. I wasn't around at the time, but I think Freddie took her sandwich or something. She gets really possessive about food, you see, and he knows that. I guess he was just having a bit of fun with her. I mean, however much the argue, and fight, I know they're really both enjoying the time they spend together.

...

Well yeah, they did sorta have a fight after school, but it wasn't serious. Sam barely even touched him anyway. But... Freddie did get really upset because his laptop got broken. We'd been working on a project over the weekend, you see, and he'd just left it in my apartment on Sunday night. But then Sam had crashed on our couch, so I guess she must've moved it onto the back of the couch so she could lie down, because it ended up kinda precariously balanced. So anyway, Sam and Freddie came into my apartment arguing, and yeah, they did sorta push each other a bit. I would've stopped them, but I, um, I was busy making a meal for me and Spencer and I couldn't leave it alone. But yeah, I think Spencer thought he'd best move the laptop out of the way, just in case Sam or Freddie knocked against the couch, but he'd been making this sculpture, you see - he's an artist, that's what he does - he'd been making this sculpture out of butter. Which is weird, because I think he'd already done that same one already, but I guess maybe someone else wanted a butter sculpture? I dunno. Art isn't really my thing. The point is, his hands were all covered in butter, and he kinda lost his grip on the laptop, and it kinda smashed on the floor. But the thing was, Freddie thought Sam had knocked it over, and I think she did too, because Spencer just jumped behind his sculpture as soon as the computer broke and hid. Freddie went back to his apartment, and he was all angry with Sam, but I think they've made up again. Sam was feeling guilty, so she got all the broken bits of his computer, and she said she was gonna try to get it fixed for him. If that's not a girl with a crush, I wanna- ... I'm just saying! I really think there's something th- ... Well fine. That's all I really know anyway.


	5. Freddie

Oh, this whole thing has Sam written all over it. Even if I hadn't been there, I'd know it was Sam. It's always Sam. Every single frigging day since I met her, it's _always_ frigging Sam. Just because she can't go an hour without hurting me in some way. Sometimes she hits me, sometimes she insults me... look, my phone's inbox is _full _of texts from her. "You're a nub, Freddork." "Carly will never love you." "You smell worse than that meatball Gibby found in the toilet."

...

Ok, I'll start from the beginning. Our latest argument started on Monday, in the cafeteria at school. All I did was buy a sandwich, and yes, maybe it was the last one, but I still bought it fair and square. Then _Sam_ comes up to me and starts ranting about how it belongs to her, even though she was nowhere near at the time. And really, if she wanted it that bad she should've got there earlier. Anyway, I was trying to ignore her because hey, I'm not immature enough to get drawn into every silly little argument she tries to start. So you know what she did? She took the sandwich, as I was eating it, and _licked_ it. Ran her tongue all over it. Well, there was no way I was gonna eat something that Sam's licked, so I took my sandwich - _my_ sandwich, which I'd _bought_ for _myself_- and threw it in the garbage. Which is fair enough, right? If I don't wanna eat my sandwich, I'm entitled to throw it away. Hah. Not according to Sam. As soon as I dropped it in the bin, she just slapped me and started going on about how I'd just deprived her of food! Seriously, how am I in the wrong here? She was gearing up to hit me again but then Miss Briggs came in to break it up and sent us off to class.

Now you'd think she would've forgotten about it by the end of school - it was only a sandwich, after all - but no, the moment I left the building she came charging up to me screaming bloody murder. What else was I gonna do? I legged it. I barely got back to Bushwell before she caught up with me. I probably could've got away but Lewbert'd left some cheap pot plant out in the middle of the floor and I kinda tripped over that. So Sam started pounding me until Lewbert came over to shout at us, and Sam can never resist an argument so that gave me a chance to escape upstairs. Well, that wasn't enough of a distraction though, because I didn't even get to my front door before she caught up to me and dragged me into Carly's apartment. But of course, it's Sam, so just hitting me wasn't enough for her. Oh no. While she was pounding on me, she also took the time to break my laptop as well. It cost me nearly a thousand dollars! I mean seriously, who does that?

...

Yeah, as soon as I could get away from her I did, and I managed to avoid her until today. I'd talked to Carly about it, and I was pretty much ready to forgive Sam for the whole thing - not because I was guilty, mind you, it was to keep iCarly together. And it wasn't just because of Carly asking me either. Don't believe her if she says that. So anyway, I got a note from Sam telling me to meet her in the lobby this afternoon and I thought hey, maybe she's apologising to me for once, because it's about time. Yeah, some hope. By the time I got down there, she'd set the room on _fire_ and, to add insult to injury, she told me that she'd used my laptop to start it. Yeah. She actually took my expensive, broken laptop, _lit it on fire_, and then used it to burn a freaking _room_, just to annoy me! Seriously, what the hell is wrong with her?


	6. Sam

Ok dude, first question - if I'm a witness, does that mean I'm _not_ a suspect, or- ... oh. Damn. Because I didn't do it. I know everyone thinks I did, and yeah, I guess I was _sorta_ responsible, but at no point did I actually _try _to set the lobby on fire. I mean sure, I'm no saint, but Carly'll tell you that I don't go in for large scale destruction like that. I like the more personal touch.

Right, so the whole thing revolves around me and Frednub falling out, as usual. Now, back me up here, dude: if I called the last sandwich in the cafeteria, wouldn't you think that makes it mine? Sure, I hadn't actually _bought_ it yet, and yeah, I was 'borrowing' the nub's money to buy it with, but still, I called it. So rightfully, it was my sandwich, right? Well, naturally I tried to explain that to him, but he just wouldn't see reason, even when I offered to pay him for it. ... Yes, with his money, but it's still a gesture. And you know what he did? He took the money, and then ate the sandwich himself! The nerve of some people, huh? So you can't blame me for being a little bit pissed at him.

...

Ok, I admit, I did chase him, but hey, he'd wronged _me_ and it was only fair that I got him back for that. If a dude cheeked you, you wouldn't just let him Houdini his way outta punishment, would ya? Same thing with us. And it really stuck in my mind, you know, I could hardly focus in class that whole afternoon. You see, not only did he take my money _and _my sandwich, but he took away from my education as well! Seriously, I had to do _something_ to show him that it just wasn't on. So he went running off back to his mommy, and I went after him. I was going that way anyway, and if I can administer a little justice on the way, well, that's a bonus, right? Of course, Fredweiner messed up stuff in the lobby on the way through, and of course, mean old Lewbert blamed _me _for it. I think you should do something about that dude, he's not fit to be a doorman.

Now obviously I've never really hurt the nub. I will say yeah, I do hit him sometimes, but that's pretty much how people communicate these days anyway, so it's no big deal. And he only acts like he's hurt if Carly's around anyway. No matter how many times I tell him that he's riding a false hope there, he just keeps pining after her... But yeah. Point is, I've never actually _hurt _him before. I finally caught up with him at Carly's apartment, and instead of throwing him on the floor or something, I pushed him onto the couch instead - y'see, that was nice of me. The floor could hurt, but the couch is soft. The only problem there was that his stupid laptop was balanced on the back of the couch - which is his fault for leaving it somewhere like that – and I think it kinda fell. On the floor. Aaand broke. Still, better to break a computer than break his bones, right?

Not that Freddork saw it that way. He stormed out and started shouting about how awful I was for breaking his laptop, _even though _he'd left it there in the first place, and it probably would've fallen on its own anyway. And besides, if he hadn't taken my sandwich, I wouldn't have pushed him and he wouldn't have knocked it off. So either way, it wasn't my fault. But, despite that, I _still _went the extra mile to make up for the mistake. I'm such a good friend to him that I took that broken laptop to the Pear Store and got it repaired. It wasn't even very broken, just a couple of things got mixed about inside, and most of the damage was cosmetic. But I got it fixed for him and, as soon as they got it back to me, I brought it to the lobby to present it to him.

I'd left him a note telling him to come down, because I didn't want to bump into his crazy mom, so I was waiting in the lobby, and Lewbert was mad about that for some reason, which really isn't good for a doorman. Seriously, look into that. Anyway, I was just sitting there when _Spencer_ comes in and wants to know what's in the bag. Obviously I couldn't tell him, because I've got a reputation to maintain and I don't want people knowing that I was doing a favour for the nub. But Spence is persistent, and he ended up grabbing it away from me. Now, I don't know _how_ he does it, but he has a tendency to cause fires, and unfortunately, this was one of those times. All my hard work went to waste, because he'd set the thing on fire and then he started banging it against the floor and smashing it up worse than before. Not great, huh? It gets worse, because then Benson came down and demanded to know what was going on. Well, I wasn't gonna lie to him, so I tried to explain that I'd got his computer fixed and I was gonna give it back to him, but he didn't believe me - for no good reason, mind you - and blamed_ me _for starting the fire! Then he passed out from all the smoke, and I took him outside.

So when you look at it, not only did he take my food and money, I then fixed his stupid laptop _and _saved his life! But I know him, and he's gonna tell you that I'm in the wrong. But I'm not. I've been mean to him before, but this time, it's not my fault.


	7. Gibby

So this whole thing was between Freddie and Sam, right? Jumping down each other's throats again. Well, I bet they didn't tell you what started it off. The thing is ... Ok, no, I don't _have_ to lean in and whisper, but it sets the mood! ... Ok, ok, I'll keep my distance. Jeez. Anyway, I went into the cafeteria to get a sandwich, but I'm not sure if they had any that day, because there were _none _available. Well, I settled for a little pork pie instead - I've always been a fan of caged meat, you know? I think it's something to do with mixture of the pastry and the ... Yeah, just giving you a little extra info there. So I've got my pie, and I noticed these two guys were having a fight across the room, so I thought I'd check it out - after all, everyone else was gathered around them. But then I noticed Sam and Freddie sitting together, a little way off from the crowd. So I thought to myself, "That's a little odd", but then I thought "Hey, probably no big deal." They were arguing over something, so I could see they were normal. Or so I thought!

...

No, dude, it's a pause. I put it there for dramatic effect. Urgh, where was I? Oh yeah. Or so I thought! ...pausepausepause... Sam leant over and _kissed Freddie_! I guess she thought everyone was distracted by the fight, but Gibby saw it. It was only a couple of seconds, but Freddie was so surprised he dropped his sandwich and just _ran _outta there.

So that's the last I saw of them until I got here today. I heard about the fire at Bushwell, but by the time I got there it was all sealed off and I couldn't get in. But... well, I think I might know who did it. Because it was the laptop, right? Freddie's computer caught fire and started the whole thing off, yeah? ... Yeah. I thought so. I was down at the Pear Store yesterday, you see, because my PearPhone had a chizzy background and I couldn't figure out how to change it... Anyway, I was down at the Pear Store and I saw Freddie's laptop in the back - I recognised it from the sticker Sam'd stuck to it once to annoy him - and you know who was working on it? Nevel Papperman! ... Oh. Well, he's this little kid with a grudge against Carly, he's always trying to destroy the webshow. The thing is, he _was _wearing a Pear uniform, but I've never trusted him. If you ask me, he rigged that laptop somehow just to mess with us.

Ok, wait, before I leave, I just got a question for you. Is a Texas Wedgie a criminal offence? ... Aww, man. Can you make it one? I'm running out of underpants!


End file.
